Funny – Page 2 – Hoots of a Night Al

The 5 People You Encounter While Grocery Shopping

February 25, 2014 6 Comments

Y’all, I went to the grocery store today to get our stuff for the week, and it was chaos. As always. With the experience fresh on my mind, I wanted to share with you some of the people you are likely to encounter on your next trip to your local grocer.

Hogs

When I walk into HEB, I head to the produce section first. This is typically where I encounter the first Hogs. A Hog is the person who places their cart longwise in front of half of the apple section and does a quarterback stance in front of the other half of the apple section thereby blocking them from ALL OTHERS. Hogs then proceed to inspect every apple in the section while straddling the length of the bushels. Hogs may be present in all sections of the store. It is best to be patient and let Hogs finish their business. However, as soon as they are done, move in quickly lest you encounter a Hawk.

Hawks

After waiting for what seems like years for the Hog to move, you can begin leisurely browsing the produce. Then, BAM, a Hawk swoops in! A Hawk is that person who unnecessarily stands millimeters from you and reaches over you to grab the last perfect avocado. They don’t care that you’ve been waiting patiently. A Hawk will peck your eyes out to reach their goal and don’t have any concept of waiting their turn. Beware. Keep your guard up after Hawk run-ins because a Haywire may be just around the corner.

Haywires

The produce section is disappearing behind you as you head towards the deli when suddenly a cart is barreling towards you! You quickly swerve and sidestep them, but they breeze by like they never even saw you. You’ve just had a brush with a Haywire. These are the people who have 76 other things they would rather be doing or need to be doing besides grocery shopping, so your toes are definitely less important than their time. They can be avoided by looking both ways before exiting an aisle and staying to the side when possible. Make sure to continually check behind you unless you want your Achilles Tendon rammed with a cart. Those most endangered by Haywires though, are the numerous Heathens.

Heathens

As you near the Soda and Cookie aisles beware of an upsurge of Heathens. There may just be one, but they typically travel in packs of two or more. Heathens are the unruly, unsupervised children of an exhausted parent who has a million other things to worry about besides keeping their kids in check at the grocery store. Heathens can be seen running up and down rows, tearing open bags of chips to eat while running, and throwing around those plastic bouncy balls that every store seems to carry. Beware, they may turn you into a Haywire, since they often run in front of carts while chasing after said balls. The only person that may dislike Heathens more than you is a Hater.

Haters

You walk over to the dairy section and finally find an employee to ask where the Smuckers Uncrustables are located. Oh no, you accidentally encountered a Hater! They turn around, glare at you, pull down their hood, yank the earbuds out of their ears, and greet you with a, “What?” Haters are the 18-year old stock workers that hate their job, which to them means they hate their life. For Haters, every task needs to be met with an exasperated sigh and an eye roll. Avoid them if possible.

You know what I want to say to all these characters? BE A HUMAN. We’re all in this together. We all need groceries. Don’t hoard sections of the aisle, wait your turn, slow down, be respectful, and be kind.

Good luck next time you’re out of milk. You’re on your own, and you can’t say I didn’t warn you!

Stories of a Sub

November 6, 2013 5 Comments

Today, I had my first assignment as a substitute teacher! I subbed for an 8th grade Social Studies class, and let me tell you…a LOT has changed since I left middle school. Granted that was 10 years ago (what?!), and I was in a bubble with about 15 other nerds in an advanced program. Either I was may more naïve than I realized (probably the case), or kids are exponentially more mature these days. Or perhaps they aren’t more mature, they’re just discussing MUCH more mature subject matter. I didn’t even know about some of the stuff they were talking about today, and I’m almost twice their age!

Figured I’d review some memories of the day, so I’ll never forget my first day of subbing. 🙂

1) Without fail, every class spent several minutes pestering me about how old I was and trying to guess my age. “You’re married?! How old are you??”, “Are you even old enough to be our teacher?”, etc. I generally just pushed off the questions with, “I’m old enough to be your substitute. Work on your assignment!” However, one class kept pushing and were shouting out what they thought my age was. Then the following conversation occurred:

Class: “21? 24? 26? 22?”

Boy: “My mom’s 26!”

Me: “Aren’t you 13 years old?”

Boy: “Oh! I mean my lesbian mom!”

Me: “So not your birth mother?”

Boy: “Nope! My birth mother’s 40! Her partner is 26 though! I actually have 3 moms! My dad’s girlfriend is 32!”

Me: “Okay class, this has nothing to do with the Constitution. Back on task, please.”

I thought kids had learned how to filter what comes out of their mouths by middle school, but I guess not.

2) No matter how many times I reminded everyone of my name, all anyone ever called me was ‘Miss.’ “Hey Miss, can you help me?” “Miss, how your hair so long?” (I never knew how to answer that…because it grew?) “Miss, can I go to the bathroom?” My last name is one syllable. It’s not like it’s difficult to pronounce. Has this always been a thing? I always remember utilizing my teachers’ last names growing up. And what do they call their male teachers/subs? Sir? Mister? Man? Very odd.

3) In 3rd period, the school had the morning announcements over the intercom. About 20 minutes after the announcements, I heard a beep over the intercom, and then someone said, “Excuse me.” I assumed someone had accidentally leaned on the button in the front office and wittily replied, “You’re excused,” thinking no one could hear me but the students. Moments later, the intercom replied, “Umm, I’m sorry. If Theresa is in this classroom please send her to the office.” The students then explained to me that the front office can intercom into any individual classroom to request a student to come to the office. Hopefully they just thought it was a kid being a smart aleck and not the substitute? Oops.

4) You’d think since the students thought I was so young, they would realize that it hasn’t been THAT long since I’ve been out of school. Each class presented a new way of trying to trick me including the following:

While trying to explain what it would be like for them to be in a foreign or unfamiliar place, I used the example of them being in China. One boy quickly replied, “Well I was born in China, Miss!” I instantly asked, “Oh how interesting! In what city?” He immediately blushed and stopped talking as his classmates giggled. SHUT DOWN.
Trying to creatively stack and prop open books and notebooks to hide their cell phones from my view.
Acting like they were working on their assignment when they were really staring at their phone in their lap. Do they not realize how obvious it is when they stare at their crotch for 15 minutes without looking up?
“Miss, he lets us use our phones in class!” Oh really? Then why does that huge sign on the wall say “PHONES SHOULD BE OFF AND OUT OF SIGHT” in bold, red letters?

Nice try kids, but you’ve gotta wake up PRETTY early to fool this girl. Lord, listen to me. I do sound old…maybe I’m not as young and hip as I think I am.

Anyway, all this to say, it was a long, interesting, eye-opening day. Perhaps next time I’ll try to get an assignment at an elementary school…they don’t have cell phones yet, right?