Y’all, I went to the grocery store today to get our stuff for the week, and it was chaos. As always. With the experience fresh on my mind, I wanted to share with you some of the people you are likely to encounter on your next trip to your local grocer.

Hogs

When I walk into HEB, I head to the produce section first. This is typically where I encounter the first Hogs. A Hog is the person who places their cart longwise in front of half of the apple section and does a quarterback stance in front of the other half of the apple section thereby blocking them from ALL OTHERS. Hogs then proceed to inspect every apple in the section while straddling the length of the bushels. Hogs may be present in all sections of the store. It is best to be patient and let Hogs finish their business. However, as soon as they are done, move in quickly lest you encounter a Hawk.

Hawks

After waiting for what seems like years for the Hog to move, you can begin leisurely browsing the produce. Then, BAM, a Hawk swoops in! A Hawk is that person who unnecessarily stands millimeters from you and reaches over you to grab the last perfect avocado. They don’t care that you’ve been waiting patiently. A Hawk will peck your eyes out to reach their goal and don’t have any concept of waiting their turn. Beware. Keep your guard up after Hawk run-ins because a Haywire may be just around the corner.

Haywires

The produce section is disappearing behind you as you head towards the deli when suddenly a cart is barreling towards you! You quickly swerve and sidestep them, but they breeze by like they never even saw you. You’ve just had a brush with a Haywire. These are the people who have 76 other things they would rather be doing or need to be doing besides grocery shopping, so your toes are definitely less important than their time. They can be avoided by looking both ways before exiting an aisle and staying to the side when possible. Make sure to continually check behind you unless you want your Achilles Tendon rammed with a cart. Those most endangered by Haywires though, are the numerous Heathens.

Heathens

As you near the Soda and Cookie aisles beware of an upsurge of Heathens. There may just be one, but they typically travel in packs of two or more. Heathens are the unruly, unsupervised children of an exhausted parent who has a million other things to worry about besides keeping their kids in check at the grocery store. Heathens can be seen running up and down rows, tearing open bags of chips to eat while running, and throwing around those plastic bouncy balls that every store seems to carry. Beware, they may turn you into a Haywire, since they often run in front of carts while chasing after said balls. The only person that may dislike Heathens more than you is a Hater.

Haters

You walk over to the dairy section and finally find an employee to ask where the Smuckers Uncrustables are located. Oh no, you accidentally encountered a Hater! They turn around, glare at you, pull down their hood, yank the earbuds out of their ears, and greet you with a, “What?” Haters are the 18-year old stock workers that hate their job, which to them means they hate their life. For Haters, every task needs to be met with an exasperated sigh and an eye roll. Avoid them if possible.

You know what I want to say to all these characters? BE A HUMAN. We’re all in this together. We all need groceries. Don’t hoard sections of the aisle, wait your turn, slow down, be respectful, and be kind.

Good luck next time you’re out of milk. You’re on your own, and you can’t say I didn’t warn you!